Everything starts with you
This is not a story about how to turn setbacks into learning experiences. Countless stories and books have been published on that topic. This story is about the impetus you find when you realise you can create the experience in life that you long for.
Let me introduce you to a client of mine, Lisa. (For confidentiality reasons that is not her real name). She came to me feeling frustrated, and shared that she didn’t know how to talk to one of the new joiners in her team. This newcomer, a fairly junior product manager, struggled with taking ownership of some of their responsibilities. Lisa had noticed how she often ended up doing part of their work - which was not her intention. She felt stuck, unsure how to change this.
In the coaching that followed, Lisa reflected on which aspects of this situation she had created herself. Yes, it was clear that the junior product manager did not have the skills for some parts of the job. But at the same time, Lisa’s approach to be a collaborative manager, who chips in, was in conflict with her other belief: that people should have the opportunity to learn new skills on the job.
So, we worked together on how Lisa could unlock the situation. Lisa reframed what she considered acceptable, in terms of responsibility and accountability. In short, she adjusted how she experienced the situation. From this new way of being for Lisa, she got into action. She started outlining how to turn the situation around, and how she wanted to adjust her approach to leadership and development of her team members.
With this, Lisa concluded that we were done: she had overcome her challenge and didn’t feel stuck or frustrated anymore. Instead, she felt relieved and full of energy.
As we had 15 minutes left in the session, I suggested she could choose to get back to work and start on her action points, or to stay in the moment with me for a little bit longer, without a specific topic to address.
Lisa chose the latter.
Lisa chose to reflect on how we had turned her experience around. She realised that the only thing that had shifted, was her perspective. A few minutes of silence followed. I noticed she started to move her head and arms around as if she was talking to someone. Eventually she did speak audibly, she half asked and half declared that she could “perhaps keep the momentum going?”
She explained she had realised and accepted that everything she experiences, starts with herself. It was clear to her the situation she experienced as hopeless and frustrating, had shifted, and now consisted of possibilities for action. She wanted to turn the spotlight on herself and her own career. Because she just had a closer look at a different and exciting future for herself. A future she found to be more feasible than she had ever thought.
Lisa could have stopped when she had learnt how to overcome her challenge. In fact, in my experience, most people do. Because of their fear to even consider pursuing their inner dreams. Put in another way: they are comfortable with learning how to swim, just enough to keep their head above water. But their anxiety stops them from realising they could learn how to get out of the water.
This fear is very human, I have felt it myself. To go somewhere you haven’t been before, to let yourself become something else, something more, while at the same time not giving up who you are today. That takes courage and perseverance. It’s a transition and a transformation that will involve uncomfortable moments and a willingness to step into the unknown. But the rewards along the way will make the journey worthwhile.
When you realise you can create the experience in life that you long for, you find your impetus.
Everything starts with you, always. Including your future success.
I wish you all the success that you dream of.
Warmly, Erik
